Weddings of Faculty

The weddings of faculty span the same thirty seven years as the weddings of students who appear in the "Decades" icons above, but I decided to keep the faculty weddings in a separate file. Often faculty provided me with more pictures, texts used in the wedding ceremonies; and, since they continued to live in Redlands, they proved available for discussions during the "album project." Therefore these weddings seem more extensively covered in my project.

1. The first wedding I was asked to conduct for a faculty member was for Dr. Larry Rider and Janice Saran.The setting was the beautiful, old home for university presidents, converted in the 1980's into the Alumni House, as it is known today. There the famous Armacost Family lived for two decades, and four children were raised, one son became a president of of a college in Florida, another son became a president of Bank of America, a third became the Ambassador to Japan and a daughter would study theology to become a pastor and church leader. I sometimes imagine their presence when I have a faculty lunch in that building, for I met all four of the children; and Dr. Armacost made sure he met me during my interview here in l974. He was not an official member of the selection committe, but I told him I knew a college classmate of his at Dickenson College. In fact, my previous "boss" was Dr. R. L. D. Davidson, President of Westminster College. It worked, I got the job!

The last president of the University of Relands to live in the building in the image below was Dr. Doug Moore, whose children were already adults by l978.

Larry Rider gave me a very warm welcome when I arrived at the University of Redlands. He had arrived from the Midwest one year earlier than I; he brought the background of a career in journalism and in radio. I arrived from Missouri after a career in the navy and as chaplain in another college.

We shared many other common bonds, one being we were selected as faculty representatives to the Salzburg Semester Program at the University by Dean Dillow. My family went to Austria in the winter of 1982, the coldest winter recorded in the 20th Century; Larry and Janice went in the fall of 1986 after travels through the UK and Europe, in what must have been a summer long honeymoon.

In addition, Larry and I shared the distinction of being "apostles on the freeway system" as teachers in what became the Whitehead College (now School of Business) to take our on campus classes to a broader audience all over California. He recalled recently that his most distant destination was San Jose, where he taught his course "Speech and Language Development (age 1-18)." Meanwhile, my longest journey was to the Stanford University Hospital, where I taught my course "Religion and the Arts."

We have all changed a bit, Janice the least of the three, but we are all as happy now as on that day!

I was happy to do the wedding as well because in my first year of teaching at the University, Janice Saran was the best student I taught. You can then imagine how pleased I was as well for they had prepared the words to be used in their ceremony.

" Larry and Janice. This evening you are surrounded by your friends and family, who are gathered to witness your marriage and to celebrate in the coming together of your two separate lives.

The essence of this marital commitment is the taking of another person in his or her entirety, as lover, companion, and friend. It is therefore a decision which is entered into with great consideration and respect for both the other person and oneself and also with a sense of reverence which does not preclude beauty, humor, or joy.

"As you know, no minister, no priest, no rabbi, no public official can marry you. Only you can marry yourselves. By a mutual commitment to love each other, to work toward creating an atmosphere of care, consideration, and respect, and by a willingness to face the tensions and anxieties that underlie human life, you can make your wedded life come alive" (Arisian 75).

" Love is one of the highest experiences that we human beings can have, and it has added depth of meaning to your lives. The day to day companionship- the pleasure in doing things together, or in doing separate things but in delighting to exchange experiences-is a continuous and central part of what a man and a woman who love each other can share.
           
Marriage symbolizes the intimate sharing of two lives, yet this sharing must not diminish but enhance the individuality of each partner. A marriage that lasts is one which is continually developing, while growing in understanding of the other. Deep knowledge of another is not something that can be achieved in a short time, and real understanding of the other’s feeling can develop fully only with years of intimacy. This wonderful knowledge of another person grows out of really caring for the other so much that one wants to understand as completely as possible what the other is feeling. Thus it is possible to share not only joys and successes but also the burden of sorrows and failures. To be known in this way is a priceless thing, because such understanding and acceptance make it easier to live with our problems, and failings, and worries. But, again, while marriage is the intimate sharing of two lives, it can yet enhance the differences and individuality of each partner. We must give ourselves in love, but we must not give ourselves away. A good and balanced relationship is one in which neither person is overpowered or absorbed by the other.

Khalil Gibran echoes these sentiments in his book, The Prophet.
'Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music…
And stand together yet not too near together
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow'

Thus it is out of the resonance between individuality and union that love, whose incredible strength is equal only to its incredible fragility, is born and reborn." (Arisian 106-7)

The marriage vows which you have made this evening are voluntary and equal, the same for you, Larry, as for you, Janice. Regard them not as burdens to weigh you down, but as winged hopes and promises to bear you up to a more abundant life. Remember that true love is not the passion to possess and rule, but the desire to give and to share, and to bless. Let no secret divide, no rivalry estrange, and no difference embitter your hearts, but seek by openness, reason, and goodwill to find the spiritual key of peace. Be not elated by prosperity, not overcome by adversity, but study to be open with one another and have a firm faith in God.
Larry and Janice have wished to exchange these rings as symbols of their vows.
(Larry :) “With this ring I marry you and join my life with yours.”
(Janice :) “With this ring I marry you and join my life with yours.”
I now pronounce you husband and wife.
You may now kiss…

(To both) As you grow a little each day, loving many things in common and not merely each other, you will assure your future in terms that matter most. This is the first day of the rest of your life together. We trust that you will find the second day even more rewarding.

This evening’s "celebration of human affection is therefore an outward sign of a sacred and inward commitment which religious societies may consecrate and states may legalize, but which neither can create or annul. Such union can only be created by loving purpose, be maintained by abiding will, and be renewed by human feelings and intentions.      

Into this state of marriage you two come now to be united...." (Arisian 107).

Song- “You Mean More To Me”

What have each of you to say to us?

Larry: “I love this woman and I wish to marry her.”

Janice: “I love this man and I wish to marry him.”

Now please join hands.

Will you, at this time, express to each other the vows you have written?

Larry: “Janice. As I’ve grown to know you, I’ve grown to love you. An on this evening I make a commitment to you for the rest of our lives. And that                                          commitment is to be honest, to be faithful, and to bring you all the laughter and joy that I can to make your life more complete. You have taught me the meaning of the word love. I believe that you are not only beautiful, but a beautiful person as well. And tonight I feel like I’m the luckiest man on Earth.”               

Janice: “Larry. I love you. You have brought into my life so much happiness and meaning. I never realized I could love so deeply. You are a man of great integrity and I feel richly blesses to be loved by you. Tonight I promise that I will always be open with you, respect you, and be faithful to you. I promise to spend the rest of my life making your life as meaningful and happy as I possibly can.”   

Ladies and gentlemen, it is my pleasure to present to you Mr. and Mrs. Rider."

There is one picture of that wedding day that remains a mystery.
What is it that Larry is whispering?

Now many weddings I attended had a better fulfillment of the prospects as in the toast that is suggested in these raised glasses.

Also with the snow that comes once a year, they have one of the most beautiful views anywhere on this planet.

In the interval his own son, Casey,was married, thereby reminding us that a generation which has passed. Larry's daugher is on the right.

Below one can see Larry's favorite picture of Janice from the beautiful and clearly professional album which he recently shared.

What was Janice thinking?
Could she have imagined how happy their life together would be?

How did they do it? Compared to the guy in the middle, neither seems to have changed, and Larry managed to grow two inches!

2. The wedding ceremony of Dr. Lawry Finsen and Dr. Susan Finsen was held in the most beautiful setting in which I have ever performed a wedding, at Nephenthe at Big Sur on the California Coast, about 200 miles from Redlands. Also the ceremony of the wedding of Dr. Lawry and Dr. Susan Finsen in the summer of l986 was memorable with fabulous pictures.

photo: p43489-Big_Sur-Nepenthe_Restaurant.jpg

I have known Lawry for many years, from the time he started to teach in the Philosophy Department at the University of Redlands. We had discussed many different topics sometimes on the stairwell leading up to our offices in Larsen Hall. Just after his wedding I would go to Japan to Waseda University for a year as an Associate Dean in the International Division, with 25 students to watch over and be amazed at their activities. Finsen would have the same position eight years later and live in the same delightful house as our family did in l986-7.

Lawry was a colleague and good friend having shared many discussions with me by the time he told me that at a conference of philosophers he had been introduced to a young woman then teaching in North Carolina, my home state. He added that she shared many interests including animal rights.

Later he told me that he had flown several times across the country to visit Susan in North Carolina; now she and we would like to get married. While he told me that Susan had a daughter by a previous marriage, I found myself wondering if he was asking me to do the ceremony, but I remember thinking, “What a great dad you will make, Lawry!” I knewfrom the way he talked about Thalia, the daughter that he would be quite pleased to gain both a wife and a daughter in the same moment, a family being important to him. I knew that he had two older sisters, and I could feel the ease he had with family life.

I like the photograph above showing Susan help Lawry get ready. During a recent visit the Finsens shared their album with me and gave a fine a set of images as I have ever received in this "album project" but I had kept a copy of the ceremony which they had worked on

Lawry and Susan invited a dozen of their best friends and family members to what has come to be called "a destination wedding." There at Big Sur the wedding and reception were held a thousand feet above the Pacific Ocean on a summer day in 1986. Of all the ceremonies which I ever conducted this one seemed to me to be as clear a mating of two thoughtful, philosophical, supportive individuals as I have ever witnessed saying their vows.  Twenty years later, I have every reason to feel the honor of sharing that moment with them and remembering it. Their pictures are amazing in capturing a feeling between them.

After the musicians set a warm tone for the wedding, I opened the ceremony as follows:

"Dear friends, we have come together today to witness and to celebrate the marriage of Susan and Lawry. It is love which brings us all together here – which brings parents, sisters, brothers, cousins and dear friends together upon this joyous occasion. It is love – not only Lawry's love for Susan, and hers for him, but all of our love and caring- which we celebrate today.

"As Susan and Lawry know, no one else can truly marry two people – Lawry and Susan must marry each other through their mutual devotion, commitment, openness and respect. Yet it is within the community of friends and family that marriage finds its purposes. Were they alone in the universe, they would have need for each other, but not for marriage. Happily, they are not alone. They have these friends and family, and they have already a beautiful daughter, Thalia, who joins them in this ceremony, which unites them as a family.

"In traditional religions it is customary to call down a blessing upon the bride and groom. But the essence of the religious life is to be found in how well you live, not what official creeds you profess or what rituals you observe. How two people love and treat one another and contribute to the community of men and women and animals and earth is more important than their formal religious beliefs.

The presence of Thalia in her white hat had a magnetic effect upon many young and old. Peter Malcolm appears here as a youthful admirer, and willl appear much older in his father's second wedding, below. But how appreciative he seems of the white hat or was it the wearer! As the wedding continued I read the lines that were to me the most memorable because they seemed to capture so much of Lawry and Susan's commitments:

“This is what they affirm upon this day: a marriage that binds them not only to each other, but to the community of friends and family, to the other beings – the animals, and to the earth itself. They seek a most generous enclosure – a household welcoming to neighbors, friends and animals; a garden open to the weather, between the woods and the road. And as their love for each other will comfort them in hard times, so their bond of love will give them strength to comfort others, and to give nurturance to many beings. And each act of nurturance will deepen the bonds of their love to each other.

"To affirm these bonds, Lawry and Susan, you come today to give your word to each other, and to all of us here. You join together by giving your word, and this must be an unconditional giving, for in joining to each other you join also to the unknown. Indeed, you can join one another only by joining the unknown. In life, in the world, we are never given two known results to choose between, but only one result that we choose without knowing what it is.

"As Wendell Berry has said, 'Marriage rests upon the immutable givens that compose it: words, bodies, characters, histories, places. Some wishes cannot succeed; some victories cannot be won; some loneliness is incorrigible. But there is relief and freedom in knowing what is real; these givens come to us out of the perennial reality of the world, like the terrain we live on. One does not care for his ground to make it a different place, or to make it perfect, but to make it in habitable and to make it better. To flee from its realities is only to arrive at them unprepared.' "

At this point came their vows:

“Among your first steps on this way are the vows you make together today – the commitments which you promise to keep and which will root your lives together upon this earth. Montaigne said that if only one instruction were given at the marriage ceremony, it might be to admonish the bride and groom that successful marriage involves the avoidance of the unforgivable. Whatever joys and sorrows the future may hold for you, may you always have strength to keep these vows.

"Susan, do you take Lawry to be your husband and friend, to hold dear in honesty and respect, in sickness or in health, for all the remaining days of your life?”

Susan said, “I do”.

“ Lawry, do you take Susan to be your wife and friend, to hold dear in honesty and respect, in sickness or in health, for all the remaining days of your life?”

Lawry said, “I do.”

“What token do you bring as a sign of your commitment to this marriage?”

Lawry: “This ring. With this ring I marry you and join my life with yours”.

“ And Susan, what token do you bring as a sign of your commitment to this marriage”?

Susan: “This ring. With this ring I marry you and join my life with yours.”

Now for the kiss:

Then: I made the important pronouncement.

“Susan and Lawry have exchanged these rings as symbols of their vows. And in many ways this is fitting, not only because the ring is an ancient symbol of such vows, but because for another ancient tradition, the circle was considered to be the most perfect of all forms in nature. The Greeks attributed such mystical qualities of perfection to the circle that when they discovered that this form in its dimensional relationship produced an irrational number, they concealed this fact. Yet, the Greeks knew that perfection implied imperfection; the rational, the irrational. Just so, the perfect marriage symbolized by the circle of the ring must always contain the imperfection of the parties to the marriage and the community within which marriage exists, for the parties to marriage are human. Susan and Lawry I now pronounce you wife and husband.”

Then all present moved toward the reception and the food on the same memorable hill overlooking the sea.

They showed me recently the marriage certificate which I signed those twenty-four years ago.

This picture is not of sea lions making love, as I imagined when looking at the honeymoon pictures of Lawry and Susan; in fact both are males I was told banging their chests together to show the female floating nearby which of them is the stronger and thus the more likely to give her babies who would also be successful in banging their chests together. It reminded me of junior high school physical combatants on the playground at recess.

This picture was made at their home 21 years later, and the same mood is present in their relationship. A powerful feeling of nature is present, this time not with the sea gulls and sea lions at the wedding and honeymoon, but of three dogs, six pigs, one horse, two cats, and four magpie birds, (one is blind and sat on Susan or Lawry's shoulder and sometimes affirmed quite clearly agreement with what Susan had just said).

I have continued to learn from Susan a great deal about animals and how to speak with them. In the photo taken in 2007, Susan is speaking with a bird that answered back in rising and falling tones and with different volume as the necessity arose. As I was returning the album from which the pictures above were scanned, I told Susan that I had a squirrel living in the motor compartment of my VW. I told her I always go out of the way to avoid squirrels who cross the street before me, and I did want to kill this one, but I was angry.

She replied, “Then show your anger to the squirrel, take this trap and put it under your car. When you catch the squirrel tell it that you are angry and you do not want to have him living in your car. Shout and stomp your feet!”

I must have looked strange, for Susan said, “I can tell you are not going to do this, why?”

I responded, “I don't think I could have that conversation with a squirrel that I don't know any better than I know this one.”

She said, “Well, I have another solution. Give me the trap back, and I will go and get a jar of “Bobcat Urine.” In five minutes she came back with a bottle, whereupon she said, “Here put this where the squirrel is living in your motor compartment. He will smell this stuff and know that he does not ever want to spend another night there. For by instinct, he will know a bobcat has moved in and this is no safe place for a squirrel like me.”

I did just what she said, and I have seen no indication that the squirrel using my motor compartment for either his kitchen, bathroom, or bedroom. Amazing what one learns from a couple of a marriage now 20 years in process!

Now in 2010, I found an image of Lawry on his own web page:

How youthful and perceptive he appears in both the image drawn by John Brownfield, our artistic colleague and in the photo!

Lawry and Susan served the University of Redlands in Tokyo as a visiting professor and dean in the program at Waseda University for Southern California private colleges and universities (CALPUC) in l994-95 and were my 'host family" there when I took and interim class in that January. Lawry has had many other roles in the University of Redlands in the years before and since his wedding.

3. On June 28, l986 I performed a memorable wedding for Phil and Tracy Waggoner in Hidden Valley , in the Joshua Tree National Monument.

Photo by Andy Coyazo

Among the memorable things that all remember from their wedding was that at just the moment when I pronounced Phil and Tracy Waggoner husband and wife, the sun came up!

It was like a cosmic affirmation of the vows heard by the desert rocks, because the sun was thereby lighting up the temple that they had found for this special June sunrise! Somehow the party below had arrived while the whole landscape was in darkness. In fact, we had to drive up the night before, staying at the Yucca Inn. Rising early, long before dawn, we drove in the darkness into the Hidden Valley about a mile down the valley, where it was still quick dark..

Photo by Andy Coyazo

All of a sudden the sun came up and illuminate the wedding. . Among the gathered group were Dick Kushner of the Psychology Department; Phil Elizabeth Drake, a cousin of the bride; David Waggoner, Phil's son; ;and Matthew Clark Waggoner, Tracy 's son, then 4. We were soon ready for the fruit, pastries and juice to share; then we went back to the Inn to swim before heading down the mountain. A reception the next day awaited us.

While I was visiting Phil and Tracy in 2002 asking them to reflect on this special wedding, Phil ran up the stairs in their home and brought down a book I had loaned him almost 30 years before entitled A Psychology of Building: How we Shape and experience our Structured Spaces , by Glenn Lym. Thereby, Phil reminded me that he came to help me put the boards on the top of the beams in our addition to our home in l979. I then remembered seeing him with a 12 foot board in hand reaching upward to the second story of the roof, hoping that I had a good grip, as I took it from him. I also remember during the days when he was counseling students at the U. of Redlands, he would sometimes come over to Sylvan Park for lunch, and we would walk through the green grass sharing moments of our lives and work.

Now twenty years later, his family has expanded by the addition of two more sons, one now in college at Cal State, SB, and one ready to go next year. Phil is a psychologist and behavioral consultant, and Tracy a teacher in Franklin Elementary School in Redlands. The hour with them this April morning was one of the most delightful in this "album project."

4. Another summer (which I will not revea) in another state I did a wedding for a faculty member who certainly would prefer not to be pictured or have anyr names listed, nor shall I give the date. But I do still remember a great deal about this wedding as my reader will see below. Moreover, I shall share no picture here except of a teddy bear to illustrate this wedding.

The most unusual wedding I ever conducted was also the one which was the shortest in duration. A not to be named faculty member called one summer night and asked if I would perform a wedding for him the very next week-end in a nearby town.  Since I had known him for more than 5 years and we had shared many meals and conversation, I did not feel that I could not refuse.

He told me that night that he was planning to marry a student, one that I had never met.  So, I told him I would have to meet her before the wedding and discuss many things with the two of them.  I remember saying, "I am not a justice of the peace who does weddings on demand!"

They agreed to meet me two days before the wedding; and when they came to where we were staying, they had already purchased the wedding license.  I remember looking at the document somewhat more closely than most, for I was interested in the differences in their ages.

But they expressed love for each other, and they began to talk about plans for the ceremony. The wedding was to be held on Saturday night in the home of her parents, which I took as a good sign.  They did not want me to appear in a robe or to read from the Bible.  They did not believe in prayer, but they said, "If you wish you can put in something of 'Methodism, Methodism, if you need to do so!"  I didn't!

The biggest issue for me after arriving at the parents' home was the fact that the bride's mother was not going to come to the wedding, even though she was upstairs in her bedroom when I arrived. I determined that she would be just over the room where the wedding was to be conducted. 

Even more shocking to me was the fact that the seat where mothers-of-brides sit was soon filled with a gigantic Teddy bear, with big brown plastic eyes; and he seemed to be amused at my shock of his presence.  The nuptial couple faced me, and I faced the Teddy bear. 

I could see shock on peoples' faces when they came into the room and took their seats behind the Teddy bear.  All seemed to see a big bear had been seat on the front row where one normally finds the mother-of-the bride.  Some whispered the surprise which was already on their faces.

With no Biblical reading, no prayers, no music, so special readings, and with only short answers to my questions, "do you take this woman.......

"Yes,” he said

"Do you take this man....? I asked

"Yes, " the bride said.

“Then having heard your vows, I pronounce you, husband and wife.” I affirmed with as much conviction as I could muster.

As soon as the pronouncement was over, the father of the bride approached me and asked, “Has the license been signed by two witnesses.”

I said, “Yes, see here and my signature as well is here.” (I do remember that I had signed the document, alas!)

Then he said, "I am the mayor ___________, and I will be glad to turn in the document to the court house on Monday!"

I assumed that he was acting on behalf of his daughter, and that he wanted to document to be processed as fast as possible.  Never before nor since, has anyone offered to take and subit a wedding license, nor might I ever agree to do so again, for I am supposed to always keep a copy.   But this was an exceptional wedding, so I was prepared to accept his help.

We left soon after the ceremony, but then came the biggest surprise. The bride called us about mid-night, and she asked, "Have you seen________ (her husband)? "

I responded, "Not since the wedding at about 6:00 p.m.   Why?"

She was crying, as she said,  “Soon after the ceremony while we were still at my family home, we got into an argument, and he left!"

I never saw either of them again after that day.  And I assume that the marriage license was never turned in for the father presumably tore up the document, and the not quite married couple went their separate ways.

A dozen years later a woman, whom we came to kown in California moved to Tennessee, sent us a letter telling us that the groom of "this teddy bear non-wedding" was married again. He became the husband of her niece. One can only wish happiness to him, this time around!

The most memorable thing which I learned from their wedding that when the mother of the bride will not come down from her bedroom in the house a wedding is taking place and especially when a teddy bear is picked to take her place, I should probably get back in my car and pretend I must have come to the wrong address!

5. Then in June of l994 I was invited to the wedding of Joanna Ifft and Tom Duran.

Joanna's wedding could just has easily have been inserted in the category of "friends" above for she was the daughter of Evelyn and Dr. Jim Ifft, who had been a professor of chemistry but also "Dean of the Faculty and the most welcoming family when our family arrived in California in l974. The Ifft family soon invited my family to hikes in the mountains near here. . The most memorable hike was the 4 day journey with two nights under the stars at 10,000 feet elevation at Big Fish Lake. From that time Jim suggested his children call me "uncle Bill" as I watched the three children of the Ifft family grew into maturity.

When Jim Ifft died in the spring of 1984 our family was in Salzburg, but thereafter Evelyn married Dr. Larry Harvill and they built a beautiful home together and guided the three children of Jim through the passage into adulthood.

Here Steve, Joanna, and Dan pose just before she went down the aisle.

The ceremony was preserved in a small booklet which I treasure. On the opening page one finds the following image:

The Indian Blessing was read by Tom's mom with the approval of the Southern Ute Tribe, for Tom has a native American background. Both he and Joanna had become teachers upon their graduations from different colleges.

In the processional J. Clarke's "Trumpet Voluntary" was used. Then following the greeting and the opening song, "Love is the Greatest Gift," Teri Duran, Tom's sister, read from the New Testament I John 4:7-12 after which Elise Whitlock sang "For Life and all its Richness" arranged by Jeff Rickard. Then the wedding couple exchanged their vows, and they gave each other rings, and the pronouncement was made by the Rev. Joseph Beltran, then minister at Impact Presbyterian Church.

I was especially happy that my daughter Heather was still in the USA, just before she left for Taiwan to begin her 20 year career teaching.

An amazing thing happened during the ceremony to both Heather and to me. We had a vision of Joanna's Dad, Dr. Jim Ifft, smiling down from somewhere in the Northern sky. We were facing North at the time, or perhaps it was the fact that we remembered the long drive with Jim and his family to the mountains in the summer of our second year in Redlands.

photo by Dan Ifft: joanna'sdad.jpg

In a recent message from Joanna's mother in September 2010I learned, " Joanna is working parttime as the gifted student program coordinator for the school district there.  She has four teachers under her and she directs special programs/competitions that the students participate in.  She's also teaching at the S. Ute Community Center yoga classes.  Tom is the director of the Health Services for the S. Ute Indian tribe in Ignacio CO.  Under his leadership the tribe just became independent of the national Indian Health Services which is directed from Wash. DC.  They keep busy. " Also I have just received a couple of pictures of Joanna with her husband Tom.

In a recent message from Joanna's mother in September 2010I learned, " Joanna is working parttime as the gifted student program coordinator for the school district there.  She has 4 teachers under her and she directs special programs/competitions that the students participate in.  She's also teaching at the S. Ute Community Center, pilates/yoga classes.  Tom is the director of the Health Services for the S. Ute Indian tribe in Ignacio CO.  Under his leadership the tribe just became independent of the national Indian Health Services which is directed from Wash. DC.  They keep busy."

6. On December 27, l997 Dr. Mara Winick, chair of the Business Department, married Dr. Jeff Lewis, a professor in the Claremont Colleges. His identical twin brother stands just behind him. The setting of this wedding was in the Prospect Park House. The Ceremony was preformed by Rabbi Hillel Cohn, whose congregation was in San Bernardino, but who has given great gifts of time an energy to our campus.

Here Jeff signs the Kethuvah, while his twin brother looks on; and Rabbi Kohn seems to be giving some advice, or perhaps he is reading the Hebrew.

In an interview at their home in 2002, I asked eac hwhat was the most memorable event in the wedding; Jeff responded that it was approaching Mara and together going under the CHUPA. Mara responded that it was the lights of the candles burning behind Rabbi Cohn's head and the serious look on his face. In a moment all those images came together and she knew that the wedding was real. All the planning, bringing their families from Texas and from Washington , getting the catering service up the hill….all was ready. Rabbi Cohn recently sent me a version of the ceremony he uses which can be downloaded from his web page. Rabbi Cohn has now in 2010 retired for several years after a distinguished career in which he made major contributions to the richness of interfaith activities, which in this case included performing a wedding. Moreover, he taught courses for us on Judaism at the University of Redlands and welcomed classes and individuals who visited Friday night or Saturday morning services in San Bernardino.

This wedding ceremony was sealed with a kiss.

7. I presided over another memorable wedding on October 17, l998 in Bodega Bay, California for the daughter of a beloved friend and faculty colleague.

Yet, after I had completed the writing about it for this “album project,” I received an urgent message from the couple who wrote me in September 2009 that in the presentation the wedding photos on line, they feared one of the bride's clients, who was being treated a psychiatric setting, might read about the wedding and harm the couple.

I removed their pictures, but I was allowed to keep the one of the bride's mother actually holding the program of the wedding.

If needed other brides and grooms with reasonable objections will find I can remove their pictures as well.

Nonetheless, the text of what was shared in that wedding still is so moving to me and perhaps might become inspiring to others being wed, I will make an edited version, with no names and pictures.

The wedding was a joy to perform, for the bride and groom were so articulate about what they wanted and what should not happen. Their vows, as listed below, were among the bestprepared which I have ever heard read in 50 years of weddings.  Moreover, the subsequent commentary is in my opinion the very best message I have received about what happened after the ceremony.
Thank you both, and may you have peace and joy in the years ahead.  I can imagine a rich life for you and together!

In the setting which they found, with the Pacific Ocean only a few yards away, in a garden filled with flowers and family, they used some lines from the vows taken from Arisian, but they added a list of others, such as the following:
“I vow to have a home filled with laughter by maintaining a sense of humor towards whatever may befall us.
....to maintain a garden of beauty and sustenance, and extend our appreciation of life with excursions into nature.
....to support the pursuit of our personal interests and whatever career or life changes or risks we may be called upon to take.
....to hold and nurture each other through the pain of loss and illness sharing all things, believing that joys will be doubled and sorrows will be halved.
....to sustain openness, respect and encouragement for each other's spiritual beliefs and values.
....to kindle and rekindle passion throughout our years.
....to commit to the journey through all the chapters ahead.”
The groom offered a creative reading based on the Browning poem "How do I love thee? Let me count the ways." (cf. below in "Conclusion" for the entire poem).
He included reference to the bride’s intelligence and wit and the fact that she would agree to marry him.
The bride’s original reading mentioned admiration for the groom’s ability to stand up when he saw injustice occur, the way he plumped pillows for her to sit beside him while appearing nonchalant at other moments during a class in writing in which they met, his planting of sunflowers for her, great feasts for her family and friends, his holding her through her father's death, his encouragement to take risks and his reminding her that she has a great reservoir of strength when climbing waterfalls and granite cliffs. Thus after two years, she affirmed, now I "stand here beside you, to tell you that I love you."

A subsequent message from the bride brought back wonderful memories:
“The wedding was held in the Rose Gardens in Bodega Bay, on October 17, l998.
We actually never met with you in person till the rehearsal, and we plannedit all via email. 
In retrospect, I think it’s pretty amazing how everything came together
and appreciated your flexibility.....

“WEDDING MEMORIES;
Trees:
Behind us in our wedding photo are the trunks of two trees.  Their
branches above subtly joined as an arbor.  When we first toured Compass
Rose Gardens there were many lovely spots to stand for the ceremony but
we chose this spot.  Later we realized that on our wedding invitations,
which we had already selected, were two trees joined similarly
together.  Some years later, he  dug up what he thought was a
mimosa tree with two large branches, from his family home in Sonoma,
and planted it in front of our 1907 Victorian.  As it turned out, the
two trunks over time intertwined as two lovers, eventually joining as
one where the bark met, overlooking the world outside our home.

“Glitches:
He wants to make sure a glitch is included perhaps it is to
counterbalance my perfectionistic tendencies.  His favorite glitch is
when he and the best men and an assortment of guests, saw me, much to
my chagrin, running down a path to the bathroom in my silk and ribbon
Kenneth Cole wedding shoes, still wearing my flannel kimono bathrobe at
the time our ceremony should have started.  Not skipping a beat, he
walked over and told the musicians that they would need to continue
playing but hold off on the march, Pacabel’s Cannon.

“Meditative Silence versus Ecstasy:
I had asked for there to be a moment of meditative silence ended by the
ring of a bell during the ceremony.  I felt the payoff of the years of
my vapasana practice when I remembered to breathe and a deep
peacefulness came over me which I had rarely felt during the previous
six months of frenetic planning as I reflected and felt the presence of
those who were no longer with us including three of our parents. .…
Then when you pronounced our marriage, the solemnity of the occasion
dissipated and I felt as though we were physically lifted from the
ground like Chagall’s couple, as we turned to face our family and
friends.

“Marriage Trials:
As with most couples, we’ve had our share of challenges such as my
getting ushered in to the doctor’s office and being told Charles was
lying down because his blood pressure was too dangerously high to
complete the stress test, or surviving an overextended major remodel,
or disciplinary differences with our one year old ninety pound
untrained rescued shepherd  “Wolfie,” or unemployment after the loss of a
nine year job.  But the biggest challenge we ever have faced, which
felt at times as though it would uproot our marriage, was undergoing
the heartbreaking chapter of infertility and the physical, emotional
and financial costs we endured as our parenting dreams turned into
miscarriages.

“During our journey of a few years to reach a resolution about parenting
versus being childfree we received support and advice in different
forms through a support group, couples therapy, seminars, readings and
friends and family.  In the Fall of 2000, we drove cross country in our
new RAV IV to Yellowstone.  We took with us a book of trails our best
man and his wife had leant us.  For one day I, the eternal itinerary
maker, selected a trail which led to a pond where two childless swans
were reputed to nest and vigorously impede other couples from nesting
each year.  We went shortly after daybreak down the trail reaching the
pond which was covered with lily pads as far as the eye could see.  But
we didn’t see any swans and began to grow skeptical.  The book was
already a few years old and perhaps the couple was no longer there. 
And even if they did exist, it was like an illustration from “Where’s
Waldo?”  But at about the halfway point around the large pond we spotted
the elegant bent necks of the two swans shaped as the heart of one in
this most lush wet garden.  This image continued to resonate in the
months ahead until we reached our answer.

“Honeymoon:
But if we weren’t going to any longer be awaiting the arrival of a
child what could we look forward to?  We decided after this most
difficult chapter, to have our honeymoon, the honeymoon we couldn’t
afford originally and went on our Anniversary of 2002 on a most
memorable visit to Japan and Thailand.”

8. The next nyar Boulder, Colorado a wedding of Dr. Kathy Ogren and Robert Shepherd took place on June 18, l999.Some months before that, at least from the time I was asked to perform the ceremony, Kathy started calling me “her pastor” and has done so sometimes hereafter. Meanwhile we have shared a sense of being colleagues in the university setting. To be asked to conduct the ceremony was a great honor, for I have had great respect for Kathy since her arrival in Redlands in l985 and especially for her teaching of American history. Moreover, for almost a decade she has served as director of the Johnston Center at the University of Redlands.

I did not meet Robert until the day I went to their house to discuss the wedding. They told me then that they met in an unusual manner, at least for me at that time; the internet was their “matchmaker.” The program of their wedding ceremony contained Kathy's advertisement as follows;

"SWF, 39, teacher, poet, artist,

seeks open-minded S/D

maverick 39-50,

to partner up for play or life.

I'm financially secure, a dreamer,

Seeking to romance me. "

It worked, they found each other; and the church they picked for the wedding was beautiful in its setting on what appeared the last stretch of flat land on the great plain from Illinois to Colorado , with the soaring heights of the “Rocky Mountain High” to the West. Kathy's ancestors who stopped there as pioneers planted their crops and helpled go build this church in a magnificent landscape.

The stone construction of the church seemed to me a solid statement of the faith in her ancestors of the future. Clearly it would be a church wedding, with religious rituals connected with being inside a church with a combination of Holy Writ, singing and prayers.

The rehearsal was an inspiration to all and a surprise to me, for the couple was clearly ready for their wedding; nonetheless, I was amazed at the integration of poetry and music they planned. We were to hear solos, a duet, a quintet and a chance for all present to sign together. There would be a cowboy poet, whom I had met in a visit he made earlier to Redlands , now in even more familiar country of the Colorado mountains.

Robert wore a suit with such dignity and confidence he might have been previously seen in action in Hollywood films about the West of yesteryear, and Kathy had a gown and hat from a bygone era as well. But they were confident in the presence of each other and the friends and family who assembled to hear their vows. Most memorable would be the love of much Kathy and Robert shared and the power of music in their wedding ceremony.

The wedding ceremony started with Carlos Arboleda's flute solo drawing us together. After the welcome, Michael and Dawn Moon sang the Old Testament text “Turn, Turn, turn” ( Ecclesiastes 3) inspired as well from a version by the “Birds.” In the procession down the center aisle for both Robert and Kathy, each was escorted by their mothers. I learned at their ceremony that mothers can be at least as effective as fathers in giving away sons and daughters.

The New Testament text was from Colossians 3:12-14, followed by a song by Clint Black “Something that we Do” sung by Michael and Dawn Moon. Then Paul Zarzyski, the Polish-Hobo, Rodeo-Rider, Unapoet of Great Falls, Montana recited his poem “”Partner Up!” They wrote out the comment for me to read as follows::

“Since you have always attended to your individual selves, to the process of understanding yourselves, healing your own emotional wounds, and learning to be faithful to your hearts, marriage is more than merging, a blending, or the melting together of the two of you. Rather it is the ascension of two stately trees growing side by side in the forest; it is two dancers recognizing one another on the edge of the abyss.”

"... marriage is neither absorption nor displacement… (but) to be “lost in love” is not a desire, to be subsumed by attachment to someone else's identity is not your image.” They affirmed that their marriage would become “an environment in which as individual beings” each would flourish.

They asked that each respect and nourish (their marriage) with the “entertainment, diversions, purpose, momentos, and happy anticipations it needs to keep it young and puppylike.” I remember reading that line and liking it. And I had been sniffed by their two dogs when I went to discuss plans for the wedding. Both dogs would have been in the ceremony, except for the fact that an official of the church informed them that “no dogs are allowed here!"

I then read lines written by them affirming as follows:

“love ..has brought you to this place. Kathy's ancestors consecrated this place with their love for family, God and the land they farmed. Your love for each other honors that commitment they made over a century ago, and it is love that is the inspiration, the magic, and the healing balm of any marriage, no matter how clearing envisioned or powerfully determined its destiny may be. Love is what brought you together here in the house of the Lord of the Dance; and love is what will keep you whole. As you tend to the challenging requirements of what your individual destines will inevitable demand, return to your hearts again and again to the love between you. Love will delight you. Love will most happily distract you when you are tempted to become too serious, too heavy handed, or overly involved in your own undertakings. Love will give you joy. Love will give meaning to the pursuit of your destinies. Love is the road that leads out “beyond the blues” for love is life's highest destiny, its grates purpose and its finest work.”

Then Kathy and Robert sang Tom Russell's “Beyond the Blues.”

Next I read a challenge which they also wrote, as I asked of them if it was indeed their intent to be married with expectation of “the magic and the mysteries of marriage, the way it will continually surprise you, the strength and wisdom it will everlasting ask of you, do you choose still and happily and in our midst to make promises of marriage?”

Kathy spoke first and said “I do!” To hear a portion of Kathy's words, click here.

Robert responded with a vow in music….and sang as follows: To view of portion of Robert singing his vows, click here.

I was touched as was the entire gathering of family and friends. So the memorable moment for me, the most memorable in this magical ceremony, was of the power of music to a vow, a promise in a song.

At this point there was an exchange of rings, which I held up and blessed saying that the rings can “carry our meaning; they say who we are; where we have been and where we are going. …wedding rings are most special because they say that even in …uniqueness “you have chosen to be bonded, to allow the presence of another human being to enhance who you are for rings carry the potent double message. We are individuals and yet we belong: we are not alone.

Then I handed the rings to each and they in unions affirmed.

When they kissed, all applauded, and Ian Tysons, “Where the River Runs Through” was sung by the quintet of Kathy, Robert, Mike and Dawn Moon, and the hobo “unapoet”

After the passage of eight years Robert and Kathy looked as happy as on their wedding day, and when I interviewed them at their home in University Grove, the got out a quilt which was being made of pieces of garments from friends and guests at their wedding. I thought to myself that this was a wonderful way of keeping alive the marriage that must have started long before the wedding day and will last long into the future as the work on the quilt continues.

9. James Malcolm and Anne Mohnike in their 2002 wedding was held in the San Bernardino Mountains. When I went to their home, I discerned that they were very interested in what would be said at their wedding; for, in fact three young people, a son and daughter of James from a previous marriage and a daughter of Anne, would be present and taking part in the ceremony. We discussed the form of the ceremony going back to the language of the Common Book of Prayer which had been used in James' public school education at Exeter. Instead, they chose a ceremony from Arisian's New Wedding Book which I had brought along for ideas. The liked the paragraph “Life has no singular meaning but some events stand as milestones anre are imbued with meaning. One of these events is marriage. As you know, no minister, no pries, no rabbi, no public official, can marry you. Only you can marry yourselves…

….

On Aug 17, 2002 I read from the text they prepared for me as follows:

“Today, as you join yourselves in marriage, there is a vast and unknown future stretching out before you. The possibilities and potentials of your married life are great; and now falls upon your shoulders the task of living your chosen values and making real your dream…..” Clearly in the 5 years since their marriage they have brought two more beautiful children in the world, gone to Africa where James has studied biology and is presently involved in protecting one species of dogs from extinction. Their ceremony had a power in it, as is shown in the faces of the wedding party and the awesome presence of he mountains. In their wedding I was thereby introduced to a poem “the Art of Marriage,” which one daughter read to us who gathered for this ceremony in the mountains.

A good marriage must be created.

In the marriage the little things are the big things…

It is never being too old to hold hands.

It is remembering to say ‘I love you.”

s is never going to sleep angry at one another.

It is having a mutual sense of values and common objectives.

It is standing together and facing the world.

It is forming a circle of love that gathers in the whole family.

It is speaking words of appreciation and demonstrating gratitude in thoughtful ways.

It is having the capacity to forgive and forget.

It is giving each other an atmosphere in which each can grow.

It is a common search for the good and beautiful.

It is not only marrying he right person.

It is being the right partner.

James spent much of 2002 in Africa saving a species of dogs from extinction, In the time since then Peter, James' son, pictured above as a young boy in the Finsen wedding, has had his own wedding.

10. I was asked by Tim Krantz, “Say do you do weddings?” during a party at President Jim Appleton's house in September 2002 for a wedding on Valentine's Day. I agreed! We can consider the picture below as the “betrothal” ceremony, for from that moment they planned a wedding the next year.

Tim Krantz married Lynn Berkeley on February 15, 2003 in a ceremony with three officiants: Father Lewis Hemmers, the Priest at Trinity Episcopal Church where Lynn had been confirmed some years before; Rabbi Patricia Karlin-Neumann, Associate Chaplain at Stanford University, who was a classmate of Tim at Johnston College; and myself.

The wedding was held in the Carriage House at Prospect Park. Susie Jorgenson Peake, on a flute, and Loraine Jorgenson, on the piano, both children of the late Professor Jim Jorgenson, performed a musical prelude; I gave a welcome. Michelle Meylering gave a reading.

I led them through the vows and the exchange of rings.

Rabbi Karlin-Neuman gave a blessing, and I made the declaration.

After the closing, the musicians played “Stay with Us.” by Egil Hovland.

A Wine Tasting Reception followed which was patterned on the wine and foods from each of the continents on the Earth.

Their program contained a line from William Shakespeare—“My bounty is as boundless as the sea, my love is deep. The more I give thee, the more I have, for both are infinite..."

The image above is of the Carriage House at Prospect Park from its web site. Tim and Lynn celebrate their anniversary each year in a creative, inclusive way by inviting their guests and friends to events that are affirming and reflective. Tim teaches environmental studies on campus, and he goes off campus to give presentatiosn about the origin and evolution of birds and the significance of plate tectonics and drifting continents. He is also the author of the Salton Sea Atlas. Meanwhile Lynn completed the degree at the University of Redlands, appearing in the fall semester of 2009 as a witch in Shakespeare's "MacBeth." On the front row, I felt a new dimension in her personality!

11. In January 2006, Dr. Julius Bailey, my colleague in Religious Studies, married Dr. Sharon Lang of the Sociology/Anthropology Department in the University of Redlands . Their offices were next door to one another for the four preceding years, so they became colleagues and friends before deciding upon marriage. Never before had cupid smitten two faculty members with offices next door in Larsen hall in my three decades there!

In preparation for the ceremony, Sharon printed out several web pages with suggestions for inclusion of Jewish elements in the service. For example, they had a small CHUPAinstalled, and they asked to have some reading from the Hebrew Scriptures. . I read Psalm 23. In the gathering I welcomed their family, colleagues, and friends, but for the first time in my life I also welcomed, “any wedding crashers.” I was a little surprised after the ceremony when one woman came up and thanked me for making her feel welcome, for she said, “I am a wedding crasher!”

The pronouncement was made by Chaplain John Walsh. For me the most memorable moment in the ceremony was when I asked Maya, Sharon 's daughter, “Do you want Julius to marry your mom?” and she responded so loudly that the whole room was filled with her, “OH, YES!”

In December of 2007 Maya got a new baby brother, who was somewhat less certain of his protector at the moment the picture below was taken I found the experience much more gratifying than did my new friend.

Two years later a daughter arrived. In 2010 I asked Chaplain John Walsh for a comment about the wedding. He said that of all the weddings he had attended, this wedding had the largest number of faculty he had ever seen and in a setting so appropriate to the gathering.

12. In August 2006 I performed a wedding a the Temperance Hall in Poway, California for Denise MacNeil and Gene Peters. I had know Denise for several years, but I met Gene for the first time a couple of weeks before the ceremony. The wedding was in a huge gazebo, with a small gaged train running around, even when the ceremony started.

They worked very hard on the ceremony, and every word spoken that day has been preserved of that memorable wedding:

"You and I have come here to celebrate the marriage of Denise and Gene on this beautiful July day. It has been my pleasure to have known Denise for several years in Redlands, where we both teach..  She is a wonderful colleague, insightful and articulate, and today in her wedding gown…every bit the beautiful bride....and recently I came to appreciate Gene as well.  He is equally intelligent, informed, and articulate.  We happen to have learned the same prayers as children in different parts of the South under the aegis of Presbyterian ancestors, and later in California we have come to appreciate the teachings in Buddhism, if different sects of that world religion. I liked Gene's calm and reflective manner, and especially I liked his answer to my question as to how they came to know one another.  They are the first of one hundred weddings I have performed for anyone who told me that they met on the electronic network under the website of “E-Harmony.”

"Soon after I met Gene, I found that website on my computer and started to read what others had written about themselves and what qualities they were looking for in a possible partner…and suddenly I realized, I cannot be here on this link …I am long married and not a candidate for such an encounter as Denise and Gene had.

" My blessing is upon them for the energy that they spent in finding each other and validating the process of selecting each other, and finally the hope that the “open road” which the will travel now together will bring them love in abundance as long as they both shall live. . Paul 's letter to the Corinthians will be read hereafter as a reminder of the challenges and sacrifices that bringing two people in love may entail

"They know that nothing which I say here will hold them together in this marriage.  It is rather what they do with, for, and together that serves to sustain them.  But of them bring many divine gifts and some cultivated by their own individual characters.  They both bring a sense of humor, I can see. So I wish for them many years of laughing together.  Both bring an awareness of some powers greater than themselves, so we wish for them hours of chanting or praying together.  Both have experienced some pain in previous relationships, so we wish for you a sense of newness, openness and excitement as you built from your wisdom.  Both have come to appreciate the kind of home they wish to live in, not one just of timber, stones and mortar but one which offers a sanctuary from the madness of this world we live in…a place to which they retreat to restore the calmness and yet the excitement that will be theirs."

I pronounced them "husband and wife" just as the little train was making a turn and before it sounded it whistle.

I was much impressed by the careful each way approached the process of meeting one another on the electronic marvel “E Harmony” Gene was willing to share the list of the things he was looking for in a woman. Woman, under 5' 11” tall, under 150 lbs, 10-15 years younger than me.

From the poster in the background of my photo, I might add,
“Healthy weddings make healthy marriages”

Ali Lufkin talked about the years she had spent with Lillian back in Illinois during their days in college, and recently Lillian told me she would never have gotten through college without Ali. At the ceremony Ali reflected that she could not have imagined in her wildest dreams that she would be a priest at Lillian's wedding!

Then Storm commented on their days together at Union Theological Seminary in New York City and talked about the challenges they both faced in graduate school. Storm also finished her program and now teaches Psychology and Religion in a college in Philadelphia

My homily was focused on the immediate present and the two years I had know Lillian as a colleague in Redlands. I noted that I had not met Stephen until after Lillian was all moved into her office In Larsen Hall. Stephen's folks from Tennessee got to Redlands earlier to help Lillian move in. Mainly from that encouner, I remember the challenge Stephen's dad gave me, when he said, "Take care of this young woman, my son is in love with her!" It is a challenge I shall remember!

I read Psalm 45, the famous "wedding psalm," written on the occassion of an ancient Jewish king's wedding. (Huntley (1964). In the Psalm we find verses written in honor of the young king who is strong and just, and I recall looking right at Stephen and both of us smiled. Next the Hebrew poet addressed the bride, a princess from Tyre and her beautiful well attired attendants, so I turned to Lillian, and she smiled benevolently, for this was NOT the scripture passage she had asked me to read. But the look on Stephen's face seems to imply he like the connection to Psalm 45.

At the end of the ceremony both Lillian and Stephen looked happy.

Photo from greeting card: "Morley Manson" by Karen Coates.

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