A Conclusion and Appendix
What did I learn after several months of remembering, researching and writing about weddings?
I learned that there are many different kinds of wedding ceremonies today, asoften there were in ancient times. Different tribes, countries, and religious traditions have different ways of uniting people in marriage. The wedding ceremony is but one step in marriage, if the first.
I was saddened to discover that some for whom I performed weddings had already died. At the same time II rejoice for those still among the “quick.” I was joyful some days in the spring of 2007,, more than on any other Sabbatical when I wrote about “dead men” like Thomas Jefferson in l981, Lafcadio Hearn in l989, and Yone Noguchi in l995; the research during this Sabbatical brought back into my consciousness memories of mostly of living people, whose lives are still very much in process and who could interact with me, and they often did so. I owe much to all who contributed. Thanks.
One interest of mine in the project was to look at wedding ceremonies, specific ones. I found it useful to reflect on an outline as follows:
• Usually a wedding begins with music, which sets the tone, then comes an introduction, sometimes called a “Gathering.”
• Next comes a prayer, a homily, even a sermon if one follows Luther's example.
Some selections from the Bible, K. Gibran in "the Prophet" the Brownings, are recored in the appendix, which follows:
Then come questions of intent in which, I ask the bride first if she came be married to "this man" whereupon with an answer of “I do” or “I will” I ask the groom if she came to be married to "this woman"
I tell the witnesses that they have grounds for signing the licence, in that they have heard the intents of both bride and groom..
Then come the vows, such as: “…in sickness and in health” often followed by music again.
I like one vow for an older couplewhich I have not yet used: “Because of you, I'm no longer lonely; because of you my life is brand new; because of you, my heart is singing—no more sorrows, no more tears. Because of you, my days are filled with hope and excitement, just to be with you, letting your love soak into my dry bones until they are strong and filled with your energy. I am young again, dear, all because of you., I need you now and always, every waking moment and II freely and wholly give myself to you this day, to be your loving and faithful husband (or wife).” (Warner, 111).
(I imagined this vow would have been possible for my father who re-married at age 75, after my mom was killed in a car crash. I know he felt this way about our step-mother.)
As for the vows, I was reminded during this research of how difficult it is for many couples to live by the vows they promised each other. I laughed out loud in the library when reading a comment of George Bernard Shaw
“When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, that are required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal and exhausting condition continuously until death do them part.”
(Shaw, (1908). “Getting Married.” qtd. By Camp, 272)
Then comes the exchange of rings. I discovered that the father of the bride gave rings in Medieval Jewish weddings to the groom. That was a surprise. For the circumstances that have led to double ring ceremonies I suggest the following article by Howard (2003) on the origins of the practice
A concluding statement, often with a prayer.
Then theproclamation: “I declare that the couple are husband and wife.”
The kiss seems to ratify the fact that the wedding had concluded which is followed by an exit, almost always to music.
. Photos (“Kodak-Moment).In a Japanese ceremony going for the photograph is often the final item on the program.
Are there any essential items that people around the world hold in common to agree upon at a wedding? Usually one would expect that the people entering into marriage would come to the same place and time, having promised each other to agree to the marriage. By good fortune all the weddings I conducted had two people present, but I was told by an authority, now deceased, that I could sign the license, it I could later prove “intent” of both parties to be present.
Also expression of consent by both parties would seem necessary, if not spoken then acted out or having an agent so act, In California the couple must go to a court house and request a license which is valid for so many days, after which it expires.
In Jewish ceremonies, the couple makes a commitment to each other based on trust and hope. The male seems to have spoken, and the female seems to have agreed, at the ceremony or before. Stepping on glass represents the sealing of vows, and that moment is often the most memorable moment in the ceremony.
All the weddings which I have ever performed, save one, had one bride, one groom, and at least two witnesses. The one couple, who appeared at my office in Larsen Hall with no witnesses, were rescued from failure by Dr. Bud Watson and Mrs. Linda Hunt who served, if briefly, as witnesses.
One friend asked this spring if I was going to write about music. As for music at weddings, an excellent list is provided of some classical pieces by Arisian as follows:
Bach: Brandenburg Concertos #2 and 3;
Bruch: Violin Concerto in G Minor;
Mendelssohn: Violin Concerto in E Minor;
Mozart: Andante in C for piano and flute;
Stravinsky: “Symphony of the Psalms;”
Vaughan Williams: “Fantasia on a theme by Thomas Tallis;” (Arisian, 151).
During the semester, I interviewed several members of the distinguished School of Music about weddings, and some of them reported, “I do not play at weddings.” One said that he would play if the price was right, and another started humming a tune from his own wedding, and asked if I recognized it. I did not. Some weddings discussed above had organs in a church, a quartet in a garden, or a flute in a forest. Each seemed appropriate to the couple.
What should be played? I discovered in my research that Protestant, Roman Catholic and Jewish weddings can call for quite different musical selections. For example, Protestants more often have the “Bridal Chorus, Lohengrin” by Wagner, the best known piece ever written for a wedding when the bride comes in with her father (or mother, or both) while Catholics are offered a Bach piece for the groom and the priest, and Clark's “The Prince of Denmark's March)” for the bride and her father. Jews might choose a cantor to chant “ Dodi Li ” (I am my beloved's) followed by the organ playing “ Hanava Babanot,"(Beautiful One) for the procession of bride and groom (Blum, 116-118).
Kathy Ogren's ceremony with the actual music on an “I-movie” can be heard in “Weddings of Faculty and Friends.” A whole CD has been of the entire ceremony, of which the “I-movie” selections are only 5 minutes. Her guests included a host of singers, a guitarist, and a flutist. More important, she married a groom who could sing his vows
Against the overwhelming romantic mood that often accompanies a couple planning a wedding, I nearly always tried to bring a feeling of realism into our discussions about the wedding. I have sometimes quoted the Yiddish proverb:
“Love tastes sweet, but only with bread.” (Browne 639)
In that regard, I got hungry several times this semester, thinking about some receptions I had attended, and I grew even hungrier while looking at the pictures of tables in Weddings Southern Style. (Church,1993).
As for prints and videos, I would suggest couples finding a professional. Had the all those I wrote about done so, my “album” would look more professional. Sadly most images on the CD are from my own cameras. At one wedding for the son of Dr. Jonas Salk and the sister of a University of Redlands student, held in Temecula, CA, where I was asked, “Would you be willing to be the ‘back up minister,' in case the San Francisco Mime Troop, who had agreed to perform the ceremony, could not make it to Temecula, in time.” And in case, they did, “would you bring along your video camera and film the wedding.”
I took a video camera, but I must have been so overwhelmed with the persona of Jonas Salk, who saved our planet from the horrors of polio, that I forgot to turn on the camera, and have absolutely nothing to show for that day.
At this point in writing my conclusion, I received an important and powerful letter. Perhaps there are a dozen or many more folks out there, who by not responding to my requests for pictures and updates might wish to express just the sentiment of this letter. The letter leaves me with a sad but realistic sense of a quite different side of my “album,” and the author agreed to let me use it. I wrote, “Perhaps, I should delete both names from the text.”
Here it is:
“Dear Dr. Huntley,
First, all pictures/video I had of my wedding … I tossed in a bonfire. The choice was either that or a more successful second suicide attempt.
In my youthful naiveté I believed in and was comforted by the idea of getting married to someone with whom I wanted to have a lifelong connection. The marriage lasted 12 years (plus 11 years prior of monogamous dating). (Her) take on the marriage in retrospect was that it was a "social imperative" so as not to disappoint our parents.
The breakdown could be attributed to the classic power struggle of who was more controlling but ultimately she said that I loved her too much and she needed her freedom to be happy. I desperately tried to keep her from leaving at least for our two young children's sake, but to no avail. She even moved back in for nine months after she divorced me in 2004. Turns out I was only comforting her as her first post-marriage boyfriend had dumped her. A bit of irony being the last time (She) and I went out together was on New Year's Day 2005 at Marie Callender's where we sat nearby you(the gesture of greeting the one that married us seemed too odd as I knew (she) was securing yet another move-out.)
(She) has since remarried and I do my best to provide guidance and support for our two children who are clearly as puzzled as I am over the events of the last few years. At least she didn't marry an abusive prison guard with kids of his own...no wait, she actually did do this! I'm single and unattached and plan to remain that way.
Apologies for not getting back to you so that you could have checked me off your list sooner. Sincerely, nn”
During my last thirty years in California , I have conducted weddings for people of diverse backgrounds, including colleagues, friends, children of friends and students from almost every religion I have ever studied or even imagined. In each case, however, I have tried to get the couples to engage in some “soul searching” as they framed their own words as vows. One should “spend a good deal of time talking to partner about what marriage means to you. Make a list of vows you find particularly meaningful, and of anything you find outmoded or offensive” (Church, 149).
Often in the last 20 years I have shared a volume with twelve quite different ceremonies compiled by Arisian. His most popular ceremonies included
• “An ethical humanist view of the relationship between children and parents within the context of a rich family life.” (Arisian, 74-77).
• His own ceremony “Reaching Out” (105-109). Also of similar interest for those pondering their own ceremonies, I recommend Johnson (2005).
At the end of this semester I should indicate how I look, or at least how I look to Daniel Oltmans, who painted the image below for his senior art show project.
I think I was telling him how long I had been on this project, “annotating wedding… about 50 years…”
I must observe that my Sabbatical project brought some surprises. I knew I had made and acquired some good pictures and strong memories, but I did not know what a mixed response I would get when I wrote or called every person whom I could remember, for I tried to reach anyone in whose weddings I had a part. I started out by sending letters, emails and making phone calls. I am grateful to Jack Marshall at Westminster College and several folks in the Alumni Office at the UOR. I was overwhelmed some days with the memories and reflections of those I tried to contact. Their responses confirmed the value of the project this semester and all the days I spent going to weddings for half a century now. Without their responses, this would be a very dull CD. I appreciate the support of Catherine Walker at every point in this project; and I could not have had the CD in this format, with the wonders of "HTML" without Jared Moore.
The Sabbatical this semester gave me a chance to look back over many decades in my life. On some days, I was thrust back into a time frame of a wedding, long ago, and far away…but I was re-living them…as I once heard of a drowning person replaying his whole live, before the water took him. I should affirm, I can still swim and do so almost every day, and I hope to live many more years, and teach for several more. But I had some special moments this semester on the phone, reading email and thinking of how to put into my “album” some things which were of value. A good friend whose wedding is discussed said, “Reading what you wrote made me think it was a kind of sermon.” I was somewhat shocked, but I realized later that he meant what he said in a good sense…it was like a sermon with some sense of edification. Thanks for the reminder of what I was trying to say.
Appendix
• Reading Selections for Weddings.
• Sources Cited throughout the whole “album”
From Elizabeth Barrett Browning, read “How do I love thee…”
What would be some readings without a poem from Shakespeare?
From the Oxford Book of English Verse
“Bridal Song”
Roses, their sharp spines being gone,
Not royal in their smells alone,
But in their hue;
Maiden pinks, of odour faint,
Daisies smell-less, yet most quaint,
And sweet thyme true;
Primrose, firstborn child of Ver;
Merry springtime's harbinger
With harebells dim;
Oxlips in their cradles growing,
Marigolds on death-beds blowing,
Larks'-heels trim;
All dear Nature's children sweet
Lie ‘fore bride and bridegroom's feet,
Blessing their sense!
Not an angel of the air,
Bird melodious or bird fair,
Be absent hence!
The crow, the slanderous cuckoo, nor
They boding raven, or chough hoar,
Nor chattering pye,
May on our bride-house perch or sing,
Or with them any discord bring,
But from it fly!
(Quiller-Couch, ed. Oxford Book of English Verse, 191-2, suggested that perhaps the author was John Fletcher)
Also read
“A Bridal Song”
by John Fletcher
“Cynthia, to they power and thee
We obey.
Joy to this great company!
And no day
Come to steal this nigh away
Till the rites of love are ended,
And the lusty bridegroom say,
Welcome, Light, of all befriended!
Pace out, you watery powers below”
Let your feet,
Like the galleys when they row,
Even beat;
Let your unknown measures, set
To the still winds, tell to all
That gods are come, immortal, great
To honour this great nuptial!
Perhaps the poem is better to be used as at toast at the reception, come to think of it,
Or even when all the guests are gone from view, when bride and groom are at last alone together. ( Oxford Book of English Verse, 241)
John Milton from the National Gallery, London
Helen and I, in different universities, had courses in British Literature in which we read “L'Allegro,” “Il Penseroso,” and, of course, “ Paradise Lost.” But we might have picked from “Poems of the First Period” when Milton looked so young, as the painting of him in the National Portrait Gallery, above.
But for literature majors who might wish to have Milton as a “wedding crasher” or even as the most of distinguished guests, try this one:
Enamoured, artless, young on foreign ground,
Uncertain whither from myself to fly,
To thee, dear, Lady with an humble sigh
Let me devote my heart, which I have found
By certain proofs, not few, intrepid, sound,
Good, and addicted to conceptions high;
When tempests shake the world, and fire he sky,
It rests in adamant self-wrapt around,
As safe fro envy, and from the outrage rude,
From hopes and fears that vulgar minds abuse,
As fond of genius and fixed fortitude,
Of the resounding lyre, and every muse
Weak you will find it in one only part,
Now pierce by Love's immedicable dart.
( Eng. Tr. by Milton of Italian “Sonnet VI”, (1628), Hanford 58)
Poems by e.e.cummings.
we are so both and oneful
night cannot be so sky
sky cannot be so sunful
I am through you so i e.e. cummings
(he does not use capital letters)
“somewhere I have never traveled”
somewhere I have never traveled, gladly beyond
any experience, you eyes have their silence;
in your most frail gesture are things which enclose me,
or which I cannot touch because they are too near
your slightest look easily will unclose me
though I have closed myself as fingers,
you open always petal by petal myself as spring opens
(touching skillfully, mysteriously; her first rose
or if your wish be to close me, I and
my life will shut very beautifully, suddenly,
as when the heart of this flower imagines
the snow carefully everywhere descending
nothing which we are to perceive in this world equals
the power of your intense fragility: whose texture
compels me with the colour of its countries,
rendering death and forever with each breathing
(I do not know what it is about you that closes
And opens; only something in me understands
The voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses)
Nobody, not even the rain, has such small hands
e.e. cummings (found in Kingma, 123-4) Although I have never used poem in a ceremony yet, it had a powerful force
in it in March 2007 especially as I remembered hearing the author read at Duke University in the 1960s.
“The Passionate Shepherd to his Love”
Come live with me and be my love,
And we will all he pleasures prove
That valleys, groves, hills and fields,
Woods, or sleepy mountain yielkds.
And we will sit upon the rocks,
Seeing he shepherds feed heir flocks,
By Shallow rivers to whose falls
Melodious birds sing madrigals.
And I will make thee beds of roses
And a thousand fragrant posies,
A cap of flowers, and a kirtle,
Embroidered all with leaves of myrtle.
A gown made of he finest wool
Which from our pretty lambs we pull;
fairlined slippers for the cold,
with buckles of the purest gold;
a belt of straw and ivy buds,
with coral claps and amber studs;
and if these pleasure may thee move,'
come live with me and be my love.
the shephers' swains shall dance and sing
for thy dlight each May morning;
If hese delights they mind may move,
Then live with me and be my love.
By Christopher Marlowe. (Kingma 82-83)
“The First Wedding in the World”
by Joel Rosenberg
The eighth day was the wedding.
He awoke amid a dewy moss,
and saw to swans gliding
between the cattails. It was dawn
His side felt sore. He felt
a yearning where before
he'd felt protected, like a dream
had stolen out of reach.
It still was early,
and the moon still gleamed,
and crickets still posed
questions to their answering chorus.
Two large lions sat nearby,
amid the mist,
placidly gazing at the tiny rabbits
nibbling lettuce in their grassy niches.
II
The man had never seen an angel.
He thought it strange
that rainbow-colored fire
took on human image.
When he met Michael
and Gabriel, who told him
they were witnesses,
he thought their garments
Were cascades of golden leaves
their eyes a burning agate,
and their wings
a wreath of northern lights.
He called some names,
and beast and fowl
perked up their ears,
and forest noises filled he air.
III
God made the woman
waiting for him near the meadow
standing on a shell,
her hair down to her knees.
She thought I all so strange,
this garden, jabbering animals,
this stranger standing dumbfounded
and stuttering out her name in joy
She'd never seen a wedding canopy,
the golden gauze
was spun by angels
in the middle of the night.
She thought herself
a thousand years of age,
though looking like a girl of twenty.
All the sad, expensive wisdom
Of society about to waken
in her bones, the secrets
of the wind and stars,
the human arts
Of strife and cultivation,
tincture of the eyelids,
epic meters, and, as ell,
concealments and apologies.
She smiled at the young man's
innocence, while, lovingly,
and for forever, she held out
her hand to him.
IV
The two of them,
with honeybees weaving among
the wreaths of flowers
at their brows,
The two of them,
with hope for clothes,
and no disqualifying memories,
and nothing that was not
Within them from the start,
the two of them joined hands
and stood before the shimmering light
to make their vows.
June 19, l977 written in honor of the wedding of Linda and William Novak ( Diamat 221-3 )
Bethany Reeves send me her list of some one liners as follows:
“May God, the best maker of all marriages, combine your hearts in one.”
~ William Shakespeare
“There is nothing nobler or more admirable than when two people who see eye-to-eye keep house as husband and wife, confounding their enemies and delighting their friends.”
~Homer, The Odyssey
“Two souls with but a single thought, two hearts that beat as one.”
~Von Munch-Bellinghausen, Ingomar the Barbarian
“Omnia vincit Amor; et nos cedamus Amori.”
(Love conquers all; let us yield to Love . )
~ Virgil, Eclogues, X
“Some pray to marry the man they love, my prayer will somewhat vary,
I humbly pray to heaven above, that I love the man I marry!”
~Rose Pastor Stokes, My Prayer
“Oh happy race of men, if Love, which rules Heaven, rule your minds.”
~Boethius, Consolations of Philosophy
“He who finds a wife finds a good thing, and obtains favor from the Lord.”
~King Solomon, Proverbs 18:22
“ Be likeminded, having the same love,
agreeing together, being of one mind.”
~ St. Paul , Philippians 2:2
“May yours hearts be comforted,
being knit together in love.”
~ St. Paul , Colossians 2:2
“A virtuous women is more precious than jewels, and her value is far
above rubies. The heart of her husband trusts in her with confidence;
she will comfort, encourage, and do him good all the days of her life.”
~ King Solomon, Proverbs 31:10-12
“A man shall leave his father and mother, and shall
cleave to his wife, and they shall be one flesh.”
~Adam, Genesis 2:24
“Love is as strong as death; many waters cannot
quench love, neither can the floods drown it.”
~ King Solomon, Song of Solomon 8:6&7
“Love endures long, and is kind. Love bears all things, believes
all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails.”
~ St. Paul , I Corinthians 13: 4&7
“Live joyfully with your wife, whom
you love, all the days of your life.”
~King Solomon, Ecclesiastes
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